Defeated

I feel empty, blah, and totally defeated. I have to go back to oncology today to get an ex-ray and the chemo pills. I explained to her that I'm on this diet, she said, "that's fine". I told her I'm not doing chemo, that I just wanted 3 months to get better. She said, "well then it could be to late," and there won't be anything we can do your cancer is too agressive." So there it is in a nutshell. I don't know about anyone else but that works on me. My oncologist explained why all these blood tests didn't show anything, because they weren't even checking my "markers" they were checking my white blood cell count. So how come they can say, " clean bill of health" when it's NOT! THIS SUCKS!
I am sticking to my new lifesyle, no matter what, because I know that is the way to heal myself. I will take these stupid chemo pills, until they make me sick, then (if I can grab some balls) I will stop taking them! I will do anything and everything to be 100%, except kill my own cells. The doctors said that they didn't find anything else and the fluid surrounding the tumor was clean from cancer cells. Capecitabine...hmmm, if I remember correctly, if you can't pronounce it, don't put it in your body.... I lose this round.....I am sooooo mad at myself...